I feel like I am hanging in a very delicate balance right now. One bit of bad news could send me over the edge. Today has been filled with anxiety and depression. It’s hard to think what to do to pull myself out of it when I’m in the middle of it. The only pro-active thing that I have done is take half an Ativan. I’m still waiting for it to fully kick in, I think it is helping some, but I may need to take the other half.
What put me in this tailspin? I’m trying to pinpoint it and the only thing that sticks out in my mind is that school starts in 8 days. My last semester in grad school. My internship starts in 9 days. I am so afraid I’m going to lose it at the site and they are going to kick me out. At my last job before I went out on disability, I just cracked up one day and crawled under my desk crying. I went straight to the hospital from there not knowing that was the last time I would work for years. I envision something like that happening again. Or this scenario: I wake up one day on a day like today and feel shitty and just can’t make myself go. So I call off. And then I feel guilty about it and that increases my anxiety which causes me to call off again. Pretty soon I have a shitty track record. This is my worst fear. I’m trying to prepare myself by forcing myself to go do things I don’t want to do/feel comfortable doing. Like I went on a photo safari with my photo club the other day. And tonight I have to go to a meeting about the trip. I don’t want to go, all I want to do is lay on the couch.